Reflections..?

(I took many many many days to complete this, as I had so much to say...)

Out of a sudden, I seemed to have a lot of things to blog today… mayb I’m not myself recently ba… I reli duno wat’s wrong with me, I jus find tat I have been behaving weird n oddly these few days, but if u were to ask me wat is it tat’s botherin me, I cant give u an ans… I jus feel very pressurized n moody lately, n I was sayin tings n doin tings tat I normally wun say or do… if reli reli wan me to tink of a reason for it, I only can tink of one, but the possibility of it affecting me is not tat high, which I tink…

The possible reason is…the sms tat I received last fri nite…not bcuz wat he said, cuz tat one I had reli put down oredi, no pt getting myself so troubled over it, but rather it will be more on the friendship between we two…mayb I reli view every friendship very seriously, thus I felt hurt/upset wen I saw the change in him, esp wen he sent me such sms… I recalled the days tat he jus came, how we clicked with one another, sharing the gd tings among us, n goin home together, but such scenes will not happen again… I missed those days, but I had accepted it since the day he got attached… wat I reli felt hurt was he had never confronted or spoke to me regardin any unhappiness, instead he chose the timid way of sendin a sms to express it… n he stil duno me well, given tat we known each another for some time… he actually tot tat I was tat kind of person…? Nowadays, i’m jus like a total stranger to him, everytime he looked at me, I can sense dislike/hatred… are frens supposed to be landed like this? I dun understand, n neither do I wan to understand now, bcuz mayb I should learn how to take a frenship lighter, n not take it so hard… cuz the harder/closest the fren is to u, the more painful u will feel… jus like in a bgr…

Talking abt bgr… a lot of ppl had been talking to me abt this recently… to my closer frens, they known tat I had went thru a terrible one, some even described it as it’s jus a part of my wishful tinkin or one-sided love… they kept telling me tat I’m such a nice gal, sure wil hv guys like me/sure can find better guys/dun let the past bothers me, but is it a fact or jus words of consolation? I thanked them for their words, but wat I’m lackin is self confidence n courage to face a relationship again… all these months, I had made a very big improvement, bcuz I had finally managed to put down the guy tat “hurt” me deeply completely, n not living in tat kind of fear… but his actions n words then had made me developed a fear/phobia towards guys… though I stil have a lot of guy frens around me, but those r the ones who I’m stil comfortable with… but if u r talking abt finding a bf, this is where I scare… I jus cant accept guys who sweet talk, n never do anything to show tat he loved the gal (or little efforts were done)… next is sth tat I stil cant reli let go or forgive myself, tat is – I wun say out, but I will say I dislike touchy ppl from tat experience… I can say tat I belonged to those conservative or pure type, thou I noe most guys r “dirty-minded” in nature, but I stil hope tat they can reli respect e gals totally, n not try their luck everytime esp wen they said they wil respect the gal… if I had continued on tat r’ship, I wil reli do sth unforgivable by now… thank god…

3 mths together, met less than 10 times (even meet, oso bcuz I changed my schedule to fit his), went out for an “official” date once, but he din do wat a guy should do – send the gal home… wat reli led to the breakup is 2 major disappointments on promises… one for my bday, n the other is our supposed 2nd outing… tat somehow wake me up fr my stubbornness tat he is not wat I thot to be… n recalling all the tings tat he had ever done for me as compared to those tat I had done for him… I jus dun like guys who make empty promises, bcuz it doesn’t matter if u cant make any promises, but at least dun give the gal any false hopes… singlehood may not be a bad ting afterall, at least I will be more comfortable with my guy frens… but gals wil feel loneliness no matter wat, felt lost at some moments where I duno wat I can do… at tat pt of time, I reli hope tat the special someone is there with me, at least emotionally, but too bad, it din happen… no matter how strong I may look, I’m stil a gal afterall, jus tat I chose to hide my real self wen facin ppl… I dun like to show others my vulnerable side n speak out… tat's y I always "suffer" in silence...

Sometimes I quite dislike my character – naggy/sensitive/tink too much/timid/inferior n a lot more… wat I reli like is my smile in most situations, I tink tat’s the best ting I had… which most ppl perceived it as my optimism… I got plenty of logics n philosophies, which I tink a lot of ppl cant reli agree on it, cuz they belonged to the fantasy type… I hate quarrels, but I like debates… I like to nag over tings repeatedly, but I dun mean it at all… wen I’m concentratin on doin something, I jus dislike ppl to interrupt, unless I know u reli can help a lot… I was once a super perfectionist, till I’m very particular with very minor tings, but now, I tend to see it at a bigger picture… nth in this world is perfect, but wat we can do is jus try to do as our best, dun force urself to do sth tat u wan it perfect… u wun get any happiness fr it, instead u wil only make the ppl ard u “dislike” u, cuz they jus cant understand ur logic…

Inferiority comes from my weight issue… it’s a big problem yet I kept on hidin from it… I lost a lot of self confidence in this too… but it has its pros n cons thou the ppl around me may perceived it as cons… bcuz wat advantage wil there be as an overweight person? Actually the key to it is stay happy, bcuz happiness is one of the source to health… thou I’m big sized, but my optimism over things helps in my health, I dun fall sick tat easily unless I’m down on my mood… n another ting is I’m able to see tings clearer, as in I’m able to see how ppl treat tings differently… most ppl loves to see ting tat r pretty n beautiful (which is the outer beauty), n not many ppl noes how to appreciate inner beauty which is in fact better… I’m stil on my way in building up my self confidence, which I tink is stil a long way to go… *gambatte ne~*

Ever since I joined FP, I’m quite active in playin a part in volunteerin, which I liked bcuz it’s quite meaningful, putting aside the publicity side which Cheryl can never agree on… wat does it reli matters whether if the company is bent on pushin up the public image, or even worse to say, makin us the puppet..? wat matters is our kind of mindset wen we go n do such acts, do we reli help with a kindness in our heart, or we jus wan our face to appear on mag or newspaper? For me, I jus wan to play a part in it, n I’m appreciative tat my boss is the chairman, thus I get such chances to participate… Recently, I took part in quite a few activities, such as the big heart challenge n the one day tour with the hospice kids… talking abt the hospice kids, there’s an unexplainable emotion/feeling when I saw them, bcuz they were kids who r suffering from terminal diseases, which means they may die… I went to a hospice once back in my secondary days, n I saw with my own eyes how the ppl there suffered, seeing a young man wastin his life gradually suffering from final stage of lung cancer, or the elderly who struggled to make out a single word to communicate with us, but the most painful feeling is u cant understand any of their words, bcuz their speech is very inaudible, n u wanted so much to communicate with them… wen I left tat hospice, I saw some of classmates cryin, bcuz we all knew, we might not be able to see them for the second time… this time, the whole atmosphere is slightly better bcuz mayb I did not see those kids in bed, except for one 20-yr old who is so weak from the chemo, n need to be traveled in wheelchair… seeing the kids who were suffering from the side effects of chemo, actually it’s kinda heart-wrenchin bcuz they cannot be the same as kids of the same age, even carryin something light means such a heavy task to them… but wat I reli admired were their parents… they were very optimistic in accepting and facing the facts tat their kids are ill… *Salute!*

Wanted to touch on my recent bad luck of tings, but I had forgotten quite a big bit le… hehe… mayb I’m not used to remember such minor minor tings… wat I can say is a lot of tings r not on my side, n all the bad tings r linked to me, which I find it odd… jus hope tat all the bad tings will leave me alone… =)

Ever since I came back from the outing to m’sia, I kept on tinkin of goin there again… I practically asked everyone around me to go with me, cuz I dun hv the courage to go alone… I’m hooked to the environment there, the carefree life n the sky… if only I have the money, I wil wan to buy a house there for my parents to live there, but too bad, I dun meet any of their criteria to buy a house… can slowly to dream on ba…

I tink tat’s all to my current blog, thou I stil had a lot to talk abt, but after much tinkin, those r tings tat not very necessary to write… wil write abt it if I have the mood…

What a great n memorable weekend...

Finally had some time to blog… Had jus came back from M’sia with the accompaniment of Cheryl n a great host, Brandon… it was indeed a very fulfilling n enjoyable trip, so fun n relaxing til I dun feel like comin back to sg… initially we thought tat the trip will be cancelled as it only left with Cheryl n me going… imagine a guy takin 2 gals out..? hahaha… but luckily, we stil managed to go there… so let me start off with the day we set off…

We set off in bus straight after work, after we cleared the customs, we got on a taxi to the place where Brandon parked his car… It was oredi abt evening time, so he brought us to have our dinner first b4 we put our bags at his house… Along the way, he was telling us bits n pieces abt m’sia, n we past by the horse stables tat belonged to the sultan… Tat place was reli huge, given how long it took to drive from the start to the end… We had our dinner, nasi lemak at so called kelong (?), where we can see sembawang estate over the other side… it’s reli very relaxin to stand there, lookin at the scenery n enjoyin the sea breeze… reli loved it…

Next, we continued to travel to his house, which was not a very far distance away… was surprised n slightly shocked bcuz I din expect his house is a 2-storey terrace house, n it’s very beautiful… it can be considered a safe n quiet place too as there are security guarding n no high rise buildings blocking the surroundings… his house is very neat n tidy, we met his younger bro wen we walked in… we were allocated to the room next to his, n we went out again after putting down our bags…

Brandon drove us to one of the biggest dept store in JB, Jusco, n it’s reli big, mayb even bigger than our Vivocity here, but wat I reli liked were the bright lightings n high ceilings, which made the shoppin experience more enjoyable… we were introduced to his frens there n we went for a KTV session there… the KTV there is reli different from here, better services given n more entertainments such as buffet at 12+am, games n the food/tidbits given … the only negative pt wil only be the “commercial” after each song, abit weird… haha…

Brandon super cute/on, he kept on singing non stop till he was coughing like an ah pek, which was totally different from wat he was at the staff function, mayb he’s more comfortable at his own country or tat’s the real him… but finally Cheryl got to hear his singing, tink she wun nag at him again for not singing… was reli having great fun tat day, mayb bcuz we had a great host who is very thoughtful n considerable…

But a slight unhappy ting happened to me wen we got back to his house – I received a sms from someone which I dun feel like mentioning his name here, his sms had reli hurt me deeply, I was simply feelin very awful n kinda humiliated bcuz he did not spare a thought on my feelings wen he sent out tat sms… I only managed to slp for 2 hrs bcuz the sms was appearing on my mind always… I tried to tink abt the happy time tat we 3 had at the KTV, but the flashes wil jus come back, n I felt like givin tat guy who sent the sms a tight slap, bcuz I had always treated him as one of my gd frens, esp wen we had went thru a lot of happy times together… but now, he treated me as if I had murdered someone from his house, jus bcuz he believed in wat others say n not finding out the truth himself… haiz~

We were out by 11am n Brandon drove us to somewhere near his house for breakfast… along the way, I felt an unexplainable bout of calmness, so peaceful n relaxing… eating n sitting under the broad wide blue sky, it’s reli fantastic as I dun tink there are many places here tat can give me the same feeling… very good feeling… n we had food tat tasted differently (cuz it’s not totally non-existed here), very nice…

We went to the Giant there, we shopped for awhile b4 Cheryl suggested tat she would like to go n see the waterfall there… to our surprise, Brandon reli brought us there, despite the 1 hr journey… on our way up up to the resort, we winded down the windows n strong wind welcomed us – the smell of nature, the coolness of the surroundings, the simplicity in it overwhelmed me – I love the nature!!

For the first time of my life, I saw a waterfall, with fresh cool water gushin down from it… Brandon got us to try the coolness of the water, but too bad we were in jeans, cant reli enjoyed much, esp the stones r so slippery as they r covered by algae, Cheryl fell once, n I fell twice… despite getting myself wet, it’s very fun cuz I finally saw a waterfall n I got my ‘revenge’ by getting Brandon wet too… hahaha…

After tat, Cheryl was sayin to get new clothes as we were wet, so Brandon drove us back to Jusco again, but I tink it was kinda rushy, I din reli shop properly, n in the end, I din find anything to change, instead I jus got a pair of shorts, cuz my jeans was kinda dry by the time I walk here n there… den we went back to bathe n we went out for dinner…

B4 goin to the destination, Brandon went to pick up his sis n niece to go together with us… His niece is soooooo cute, adorable, bubbly n cheerful… bet she will be a very intelligent gal as she has a tall forehead n noes how to react to situations well… We had seafood for dinner, n again it’s somewhere where we can see sembawang over the other side, but I noe it’s very far from where we ate the previous day… I tink I was behaving weird n kinda rude durin the dinner, as I was laughin so loudly wen I saw Tey’s sms, n kept on whispering to Cheryl till she reminded me tat it’s kinda rude to do so… tink probably due to the lack of slp n the anxiety b4 tat…

After sending his sis n niece home, he took us for a brief tour around JB, the area where it is nearer to the customs… he was explaining to us the various pubs, entertainment centres n makan places… den he brought us a 24-hour café where he said he used to go there a lot n held his birthdays there b4… the moment I saw the place, I was kinda surprised bcuz tat was wat I wanted to open back in my poly days… it have everything tat I wanted to do, except for some slight differences only… a pool table, many interesting cubicles, a big screen tv, nice music n lightings, n wat’s more is, the menu is unique… I wondered if they do any franchising? If yes, n I have the capital, I wil reli open one… a nice place to relax…

We spent abt 2 – 3 hrs there, chatting n sharing our thoughts n feelings, n oso an enriching lesson which I will put it… after tat, time to go back n rest, n get prepared to come back to sg the next day… so sad n cant bear to leave… we got up quite early the next day, n along with his sis’ family, we got off at the customs… I was practically takin loads of photos n videos of Brandon’s niece, cuz I duno wen I wil get to see her again… to put it another way, I might not see her again… end of our journey…

Here come the afterthoughts… a lot of “FIRSTs” in this trip… First foreign fren known after I started to work… First m’sia trip led by fren, which he looked into our needs… First time stepping into a 2-storey terrace house… First time seeing a waterfall… First time eating nasi lemak n seafood near the beach… First time I got to understand some tings which no one had told me before…

This trip had indeed left me with reli valuable memories tat I wun forget bcuz I dun get to go out of the country tat much, my first n only plane trip was in 2005 to China, under the persuasion of my good fren… to put it seriously, I was glad tat I agreed to stay til abt July/Aug, as I had the most wonderful staff function n overseas trip which I wil cherish it…

Back to the trip, I liked the place, the scenery, the freeness/freedom, n a break from the hectic city life here… n I can say I had changed my perception over some tings thru this trip, esp towards Malaysians… not all of them r tat bad, low educated or no good upbringing… Brandon is a very gd example, which I wun elaborate more here… but there’s something I reli envious of them… the unity n strong bonding among his frens which could be seen in his photos (big group gathering)… n the simple life which not many of Singaporeans had experienced it before… out of a sudden, I was tinkin – how come I wasn’t born there? U may say tat we should be contented with wat we have, but being a gal growin up in city, everyday we were surrounded by high buildings, cant breathe at all… n I can finally understand y is it tat he wil wan to go back to m’sia everytime he’s off despite the long time n jouney, if I were him, I wil do the same ting too… if possible, I reli hoped to go there a few more times before I resign, under the guide of Brandon again, bcuz he had indeed gave a very detailed tour n oso to see his cute little niece… but this is jus a part of my selfish tinkin… wat Cheryl said is true, he had so many tings to do wen he go back, n in future, some of them r studying, how wil it b possible? N for this trip, he had covered so much for us, which we reli felt very bad, mayb a way of compensation is to treat him better..? n oso the last few words before I round up this blog...

THANK YOU!!!