Reflections..?

(I took many many many days to complete this, as I had so much to say...)

Out of a sudden, I seemed to have a lot of things to blog today… mayb I’m not myself recently ba… I reli duno wat’s wrong with me, I jus find tat I have been behaving weird n oddly these few days, but if u were to ask me wat is it tat’s botherin me, I cant give u an ans… I jus feel very pressurized n moody lately, n I was sayin tings n doin tings tat I normally wun say or do… if reli reli wan me to tink of a reason for it, I only can tink of one, but the possibility of it affecting me is not tat high, which I tink…

The possible reason is…the sms tat I received last fri nite…not bcuz wat he said, cuz tat one I had reli put down oredi, no pt getting myself so troubled over it, but rather it will be more on the friendship between we two…mayb I reli view every friendship very seriously, thus I felt hurt/upset wen I saw the change in him, esp wen he sent me such sms… I recalled the days tat he jus came, how we clicked with one another, sharing the gd tings among us, n goin home together, but such scenes will not happen again… I missed those days, but I had accepted it since the day he got attached… wat I reli felt hurt was he had never confronted or spoke to me regardin any unhappiness, instead he chose the timid way of sendin a sms to express it… n he stil duno me well, given tat we known each another for some time… he actually tot tat I was tat kind of person…? Nowadays, i’m jus like a total stranger to him, everytime he looked at me, I can sense dislike/hatred… are frens supposed to be landed like this? I dun understand, n neither do I wan to understand now, bcuz mayb I should learn how to take a frenship lighter, n not take it so hard… cuz the harder/closest the fren is to u, the more painful u will feel… jus like in a bgr…

Talking abt bgr… a lot of ppl had been talking to me abt this recently… to my closer frens, they known tat I had went thru a terrible one, some even described it as it’s jus a part of my wishful tinkin or one-sided love… they kept telling me tat I’m such a nice gal, sure wil hv guys like me/sure can find better guys/dun let the past bothers me, but is it a fact or jus words of consolation? I thanked them for their words, but wat I’m lackin is self confidence n courage to face a relationship again… all these months, I had made a very big improvement, bcuz I had finally managed to put down the guy tat “hurt” me deeply completely, n not living in tat kind of fear… but his actions n words then had made me developed a fear/phobia towards guys… though I stil have a lot of guy frens around me, but those r the ones who I’m stil comfortable with… but if u r talking abt finding a bf, this is where I scare… I jus cant accept guys who sweet talk, n never do anything to show tat he loved the gal (or little efforts were done)… next is sth tat I stil cant reli let go or forgive myself, tat is – I wun say out, but I will say I dislike touchy ppl from tat experience… I can say tat I belonged to those conservative or pure type, thou I noe most guys r “dirty-minded” in nature, but I stil hope tat they can reli respect e gals totally, n not try their luck everytime esp wen they said they wil respect the gal… if I had continued on tat r’ship, I wil reli do sth unforgivable by now… thank god…

3 mths together, met less than 10 times (even meet, oso bcuz I changed my schedule to fit his), went out for an “official” date once, but he din do wat a guy should do – send the gal home… wat reli led to the breakup is 2 major disappointments on promises… one for my bday, n the other is our supposed 2nd outing… tat somehow wake me up fr my stubbornness tat he is not wat I thot to be… n recalling all the tings tat he had ever done for me as compared to those tat I had done for him… I jus dun like guys who make empty promises, bcuz it doesn’t matter if u cant make any promises, but at least dun give the gal any false hopes… singlehood may not be a bad ting afterall, at least I will be more comfortable with my guy frens… but gals wil feel loneliness no matter wat, felt lost at some moments where I duno wat I can do… at tat pt of time, I reli hope tat the special someone is there with me, at least emotionally, but too bad, it din happen… no matter how strong I may look, I’m stil a gal afterall, jus tat I chose to hide my real self wen facin ppl… I dun like to show others my vulnerable side n speak out… tat's y I always "suffer" in silence...

Sometimes I quite dislike my character – naggy/sensitive/tink too much/timid/inferior n a lot more… wat I reli like is my smile in most situations, I tink tat’s the best ting I had… which most ppl perceived it as my optimism… I got plenty of logics n philosophies, which I tink a lot of ppl cant reli agree on it, cuz they belonged to the fantasy type… I hate quarrels, but I like debates… I like to nag over tings repeatedly, but I dun mean it at all… wen I’m concentratin on doin something, I jus dislike ppl to interrupt, unless I know u reli can help a lot… I was once a super perfectionist, till I’m very particular with very minor tings, but now, I tend to see it at a bigger picture… nth in this world is perfect, but wat we can do is jus try to do as our best, dun force urself to do sth tat u wan it perfect… u wun get any happiness fr it, instead u wil only make the ppl ard u “dislike” u, cuz they jus cant understand ur logic…

Inferiority comes from my weight issue… it’s a big problem yet I kept on hidin from it… I lost a lot of self confidence in this too… but it has its pros n cons thou the ppl around me may perceived it as cons… bcuz wat advantage wil there be as an overweight person? Actually the key to it is stay happy, bcuz happiness is one of the source to health… thou I’m big sized, but my optimism over things helps in my health, I dun fall sick tat easily unless I’m down on my mood… n another ting is I’m able to see tings clearer, as in I’m able to see how ppl treat tings differently… most ppl loves to see ting tat r pretty n beautiful (which is the outer beauty), n not many ppl noes how to appreciate inner beauty which is in fact better… I’m stil on my way in building up my self confidence, which I tink is stil a long way to go… *gambatte ne~*

Ever since I joined FP, I’m quite active in playin a part in volunteerin, which I liked bcuz it’s quite meaningful, putting aside the publicity side which Cheryl can never agree on… wat does it reli matters whether if the company is bent on pushin up the public image, or even worse to say, makin us the puppet..? wat matters is our kind of mindset wen we go n do such acts, do we reli help with a kindness in our heart, or we jus wan our face to appear on mag or newspaper? For me, I jus wan to play a part in it, n I’m appreciative tat my boss is the chairman, thus I get such chances to participate… Recently, I took part in quite a few activities, such as the big heart challenge n the one day tour with the hospice kids… talking abt the hospice kids, there’s an unexplainable emotion/feeling when I saw them, bcuz they were kids who r suffering from terminal diseases, which means they may die… I went to a hospice once back in my secondary days, n I saw with my own eyes how the ppl there suffered, seeing a young man wastin his life gradually suffering from final stage of lung cancer, or the elderly who struggled to make out a single word to communicate with us, but the most painful feeling is u cant understand any of their words, bcuz their speech is very inaudible, n u wanted so much to communicate with them… wen I left tat hospice, I saw some of classmates cryin, bcuz we all knew, we might not be able to see them for the second time… this time, the whole atmosphere is slightly better bcuz mayb I did not see those kids in bed, except for one 20-yr old who is so weak from the chemo, n need to be traveled in wheelchair… seeing the kids who were suffering from the side effects of chemo, actually it’s kinda heart-wrenchin bcuz they cannot be the same as kids of the same age, even carryin something light means such a heavy task to them… but wat I reli admired were their parents… they were very optimistic in accepting and facing the facts tat their kids are ill… *Salute!*

Wanted to touch on my recent bad luck of tings, but I had forgotten quite a big bit le… hehe… mayb I’m not used to remember such minor minor tings… wat I can say is a lot of tings r not on my side, n all the bad tings r linked to me, which I find it odd… jus hope tat all the bad tings will leave me alone… =)

Ever since I came back from the outing to m’sia, I kept on tinkin of goin there again… I practically asked everyone around me to go with me, cuz I dun hv the courage to go alone… I’m hooked to the environment there, the carefree life n the sky… if only I have the money, I wil wan to buy a house there for my parents to live there, but too bad, I dun meet any of their criteria to buy a house… can slowly to dream on ba…

I tink tat’s all to my current blog, thou I stil had a lot to talk abt, but after much tinkin, those r tings tat not very necessary to write… wil write abt it if I have the mood…