Confession Part 2 - *Present*

For the second part of my confession, I shall cover the present of my status… Actually I duno is it a rite move to write this out, but since I dun hv the courage to say it out to the person directly, I guess this is the best alternative way tat I can express my tinkin n feelings out… I noe wat r the consequences for being frank, but this ting had been in my mind for some time, n with the “motivation” of my frens, I tink it’s beta tat I wrote it out n carry on with my life… Gambatte!!

The someone tat I wil cover in this part of the confession is someone tat I considered as my close (special) fren, though we had knew each other for merely more than 2 yrs, but I owed some tings to him, which I’l like to express my gratitude to him here too…

Stil tinkin where to start from, mayb start from how we actually got acquainted n became frens… My first “alien” fren, bcuz I did not get to know him thru work or studies, instead I got to know him thru Friendster…

3rd May 2005, while loggin on Friendster to check on daily updates, I received a msg from a guy tat I dun even noe at all… Wat reli caught my attention was his msg, which was telling me tat I had a nice smile, n I was like…??? But I stil replied his msg, cuz I felt tat there’s no harm makin a new fren…

14th May, we officially became frens bcuz I had added him in my msn contacts… We doesn’t seemed to be ppl who chatted for the very first time, we were simply crapping all the conversation, guessed it helped a lot in breakin the ice tat most ppl had when they first chatted with unfamiliar ppl… n from then, we wil exchanged sms of craps, n sometimes I wil ask him to chat online too… It was reli nice n pleasant to noe someone who I was skeptical to noe in the first place, as most ppl/parents will say, dun ever get to noe ppl from the net, they r no gd ppl…

At tat pt of time, I was rather curious to noe how he looked like, cuz I was only being shown a photo with his sunglasses on… To me, he was a mysterious person (or to my kind of mindset then?) Therefore after I came back from my China trip, I started contactin him again, n here comes the chance…

8th June 2005, I happened to noe tat he’s not driving to work, instead he was traveling on train, thus I “grabbed” this oppt to have a first meeting with him at Bedok interchange after my training session… Tat meetin reli left a deep impression in my mind bcuz wat he described abt him reli fits perfectly… Got a slight shock wen I saw him for the very first time… He described himself as an ah beng, no matter is it comes to talking, walking n looked like one… But appearances doesn’t matter wen it comes to knowing someone, bcuz wat reli matters was the person sincerely in making frens with u?

Mayb I was stil naïve n silly, or is it bcuz of my curious/kpo character, I loved to ask a lot of questions from my frens, n he was one of them who I asked a lot of stupid questions, which I felt so bad abt some of the tings tat I had asked then, esp it’s with regards to bgr matters… I was unaware n insensitive to y he somehow avoided those issues…

He is a very gentlemen-liked person, which I couldn’t accept his “actions” n his kind of sharing his concern to his frens… I stil remembered the first time he offered to send me home, I was like, dun need la, my house very near n I dun need a guy to send me home, it’s not as if I’m tat type of pretty n demure gals who need guys to send me home… Since young, I was the kind of tomboyish person, n I was near to a butch, lucky I didn’t become one, so I reli accept tis kind of kindness back then…

But it’s oso bcuz of his way of sharing and caring, changed my perspective towards tings… I started to accept this kind of kindness, n I oso started sending such messages to my fellow frens, n started accepting the fact tat it’s a form of courtesy for a guy to send a gal home safely… n at least I’m not as tomboy-ish as compared to before…

*if u r a careful reader, u wil be able to see tat this blog is written at different period of the yr…*

As time goes by, the frenship gradually changes… fr a net fren to normal fren to gd fren to close fren, n now, I will consider him as a very special fren, bcuz of his actions n words over these 2 yrs… n I wil touch on the last part y is it tat I chose to give up continue writing in the first place, n now I decided to write again…

It seemed like I’m full of praises of him, n describing him until he’s like very noble… but the actual fact is no one is noble, I’m jus stating the facts only… sometimes a small action to u might mean a big meaning to others… it all depends on the situation tat u r in… no one is perfect in this world, neither is he or me… no one has the right to criticize another unless he or she is perfect… so wat I’m sayin here is thou I’ve been sayin his positive pts, he does have his negative pts, but not tat much for me to touch on…

Hmmm… thru out the 2+ yrs, we had met up for a couple of times – lunches at simei, “window-cleaning” shoppin at jur pt, n a few times at the city… but to talk abt the more memorable events with him, wil be the lunches at simei, meetin him up near his house, n the meetings “re”-started in July… but before all these, I wil like to touch on the part tat I started to realize tat I might have a kind of special feelin towards him…

Duno is it bcuz we knew each other thru other sources, which made us has no link at all (such as thru work or study), I had cultivated a habit to tell him almost everything, whether is it crap or serious one… there are some of the tings tat I had never tell anyone else before… but there is one tat I took some hesitation before I told him, I oso duno y… tat is – my r’ship with 77… bt b4 I actually told him tat matter, something tat we conversed on msn left me a deep impression, until now I stil cant figure out whether is it real or false…

I stil remembered tat we were crapping as usual on msn last July, n I cant remembered y we started talking abt some bgr issue… den he made a sentence (probably jus a casual remark), “if I did not have any commitments now, I will go after u…” (I can’t remember the actual sentence, but this is the rough one)… strange to say, my first tinkin n reaction was, “y didn’t he say it earlier?”, but bcuz I was with 77, so I jus brush off the thoughts cuz he might be jokin…

I was reli grateful to him for the days he was with me, physically or mentally, esp durin the days after I went separate ways with 77… I was somehow very dependent on him, bcuz I duno who else can I turn to except my best fren, but she had her problems then… He was there to help me to walk the painful path, but to tink of it now, I reli felt very bad… bcuz I hoped I did not treat him as a substitute back then…

Our meetings became more frequent this yr, thou only for a short while, but I was contented enough to have accompaniment… I took a short 1 wk break in Jan, n I was almost meeting him up for lunch everyday at simei, n tat was the time tat the special feelin became very strong til I almost got an urge to blurt it out, but luckily I controlled it… but tat was where I started to accept a new action of his… givin his food to me… I stil remembered the first time he passed the food to me, I was totally shocked, cuz I have never experienced tat, neither did I have the habit of givin my food to others, cuz they might be receptive towards it… but now, used to it le la… hahaha…

I went to his house abt 3 or 4 times le… n I tink I was reli shy by nature ba… the first time I went to his house, I stil remembered I was blushin n I did not say anything much while eatin, bt I somehow sensed eyes were lookin at me… (mayb I tink too much?) The second time was durin the CNY period, n it was a few days after I asked him out on Vday… (I was rather surprised tat I managed to ask a guy out on vday, which most guys dun… he gave me a very cute turtle hp accessory, n I gave him a four leaf clover key chain…) Back to the pt, tat was the first time I went to a fren’s house for CNY… the third time was a very brief one, he wanted to get something fr his house, so I went up to wait for awhile… the fourth time to his house is the start of the determining factor tat I started to write this blog entry again…

Backtrack abit… I was sayin earlier tat I nearly blurted out tings, which I didn’t… His care n concern then was there to fill in the holes tat I had, which makes the special feelings grew… but I dun hv the courage to say it out, so my fren was telling to drop a hint… So the time came, we were conversing in msn as usual, n I duno wat came into me, I said something like this, “if I have a bf like u, it would be good…” but the reply was, “rubbish…” I was kinda aback by the reply, bt tat made me realized tat he might have always treated me as a gd fren only… from there on, I took a step back, n decided not to tink into it anymore… but I was stil abit vulnerable, esp seein 77 again, n hearin his tings again, which brought the memories back… but I didn’t slip myself into it too much…

There comes the day tat my fren suggested to me to go UK to meet up with her, n I thought it’s a gd idea oso… bcuz tat is not the time to tink abt bgr, n I’m sick of my work too, mayb goin to a new environment wil be beta… bt I kept on bearin tis tiny hope of mine which I tink it’s time to give up tat hope too… tat is – tat special someone is to appear n make me stay… tat is one of the reason tat I haven book the ticket til now, besides waitin for my bonus to come…

I told him my decision to go UK to work durin one of our meetings, n tat night I got another surprise, I got a ride home in his car… cuz normally he will walk me to the MRT station, den I wil take the train home n probably send him a sms wen I got home… it was reli thrilling n exciting to get a ride home… I’m too easily contented hor…? N on another occasion, I managed to bring him to Mustafa, which we agreed on last yr, tat he bring me to zoo, I bring him to Mustafa… Here comes the story… of me meeting up with him in July this yr… which till now I’m stil in the midst of happy-ness…

Ever since I resumed work after my leave in march, I have been quite busy as I was being transferred to grocery, something tat I have not much knowledge in… as time goes by, the time with my peers reduced greatly, except meeting aloy, whose office is located nearby… n shun bian can send me home in his van… haha…

On 7th July, it was my offday, n I was out for lunch with aloy, den he was sayin he had a dinner appt with someone else at 6pm, so he asked me where do I wana go… I didn’t wan to go back home so soon, cuz it had been a long time since I came out on my offday, so since he is goin towards jurong area, jus drop me there… something struck me wen I told him to send me to jurong area… as I was rather busy earlier, it had been some time since I met up with him, n durin one of our casual sms conversation, (if I din remember wrongly) he was sayin tat it had been a long time since we met up, den a sudden surge of guilt came up, n the tot of finding him pop up too… I was practically tryin my luck cuz it’s a sat evening, not many ppl wil be at home at tat time, except ppl like my bro… haha…

Back to the pt, I called him up n asked whether is he at home or outside, n wana meet up, but if he is not free, den it’s ok… he was at home, n told me tat his twin nephews were at his house, n asked me whether I wana come over… i’m always very interested in the twins, n naturally I was excited n agreed to it… when I reached his house, n saw the twins, I was very happy, but here comes the question, who is who…? (til now I stil duno how to differentiate, only can see tat the older one has a stronger personality, n the younger one is more easy going…) as a big kid myself, I loved seein kids, my eyes were practically following them, seein their moves n actions, even wen I was eating…

We left for jurong pt after dinner, n he was askin me whether wil I be free the following sat, he wana ask me out for dinner… I told him I wil be on noon shift tat day, but fri wil be my offday… in my mind, I knew his bday is comin n wanted to ask him the day b4 (bcuz I assumed tat he wil wan to spend it with his family n frens on actual day), but tat moment, it jus din strike my mind tat he is askin me out on his bday, n it was abt the end of the “tour”, den I realized the date he asked me was the actual date (how retarded I am, rite?) I knew in my mind tat I die die have to change my shift, bcuz it’s his bday leh… as usual I thot he wil send me to the mrt, n I take the train home as it wasn’t very late tat day, so wen he said he wil drive me home, I was surprised (again), but I was always very excited to sit in his car as compared to other ppl, duno y… I told him I wil get back to him regardin my shift asap before I got off his car… but tat was the start of my happy-ness, or rather I was easily contented? Thou it was only a few hrs meeting, he reli made my day + seein his twins too… hehe…

Here comes the day… thou I went back on time, I was caught up in a terrible jam, n in the end I was late… I stil remembered seein his surprised face wen I passed him his present… (I went to get him an Adidas tee the previous day which was my offday…) I guessed he did not expect me to remember tat day was his bday n got him a present ba… wen he told me tat we wil be eating with his whole family, I din react much bcuz I tink I somehow expected it, but I thought he would have asked some other frens along… as usual, I was soooo shy n I could feel my face was blushin… n I kept on lookin at the twins… but havin the honor to celebrate his bday with him n his family, I felt reli blessed n fortunate… tat was the first time I ate with a fren’s family… n I could reli sense the strong bond n family warmth tat I have been lookin forward too… for a very short moment, my mind went a little out, but I dragged it back fast cuz I was tinkin it was impossible tat he…

After the dinner, we went for a brief walk before he sent me home, n his parents followed his sis’ car back home… on the way back, we chattin quite abit, talking abt his work n so on… den he was touchin on the present tat I got him, sayin tat I’m the 4th person who gave him a t-shirt after his mom, sis n ex… den out of a sudden, I duno y my mind ran wild n thought of this, “if only I’m his present..” but I jus shrugged off the thought immediately… tat day is a very very very happy day, bcuz I never experienced tat before…

I met him up again for lunch n dinner separately the day of stocktake n right after stocktake, n durin the dinner meeting, he brought me to the heartland areas near where he lived, somewhere I never been to, n not exactly found in my neighborhood (little India?)… can say thou first time there, I quite like the heartland bcuz it felt close to heart as compared to those high-class areas… like those 1980s or 1990s days… after dinner, it’s time to go home again… n was lookin forward to e next meetin on tat coming sun, bcuz he was the one who initiated it, which he seldom, bcuz normally I was the one who asked him out… haha… so at tat pt of time, I reli felt very fortunate to have known such a fren like him n maintain the kind of frenship til so long, n tinkin tat he had treated me as a gd fren only… until the next day, someone told me something…

During a casual chat, I told someone my recent updates, n I told him everything cuz there’s nth to hide ma, n he was sayin this to me tat this guy might be interested in me, I was like “Impossible!! How would he be interested in me? He treats me like a very gd fren only, isnt it?” but he was telling me this, a guy wil not anyhow bring a gal home, unless is doin proj or in a big group… for one moment, I was stunned… bcuz to me, I had always thought it was perfectly normal for a guy or gal to bring an opposite gender home casually or wat, but I stil try to calm myself down by telling myself wat if he’s reli the odd one out, n tink nth abt bringin a gal home casually as his house is so near the mrt station?

I didn’t reli slp well tat nite, n I went on to ask a couple of guys the next day, n most of them told me the same ans, a guy will not anyhow bring a gal home unless she’s someone he is interested in, bcuz tat is the gal he wan to show to the parents for approval, before takin the next step… I was like “huh… it’s reli like tat meh? How come I’m so stupid as to not realizing it, wen I was the one who always taught guys how to woo gals…?” bt no matter wat, I have to pull myself back to the logical side, bcuz wat if tings weren’t like wat the guys analysed? It wil only become a bigger disappointment… so I tell myself, whether is it real or not, I wil treat it as normal, let everything take its place, wat wil be, wil be; wat wil not be, wil not be (basically rubbish la)… but after hearin all those, I tink my level of observation n alertness increased…

The long awaited Sunday came… wun reli touch on the details cuz I felt tat I’m SUPER long-winded in the details earlier, but it’s a story ma, so must write longer n I can remember if I ever forget… I had a happy day jus by sharing our jokes n nonsense, even b4 the meetin, tat call fr him was enough to make me laugh til stomach pain… hahaha… towards the end of the meeting, something tat he did alerted me… my sixth sense sensed something, but mayb I’m wrong la… something tat I wil shun away if some other ppl did tat… (dun tink dirty ar…) mayb it’s jus a form of courtesy, or his way of doin tings, I duno n there’s no way I can find out the answer… jus treat it normal lor…

If u wan to noe wat happened later, watch out for my updates…