doubts and accepting

hmm.. wanted to write this some time ago, but jus too lazy to do it until an online chat with mr bear today.. my r'ship with apple had always been a "controversial" topic.. haha..

mr bear is definitely not the first one who commented on my r'ship, and he is like someone else, who doesnt seemed to be able to accept my way of doin tings in my r'ship.. i have been too accepting over some tings.. and tings tat i am doin now are supposedly to be done by a guy..

to cut tings short.. i dun deny that i do hv my desires and "cravings" for the tings tat most couples are doing.. and sometimes till the extent of envying them.. i could only say, this is the decision tat i had chosen and i wun regret it..

i had mentioned earlier in one of my blogs that fantasy and reality seldom coincide, and if i were to base my fantasy to look for a bf, me and apple will definitely not come to this stage today.. i belonged to those active type - who enjoys sitting on long bus journeys and explore fresh areas, dun like to stay at hm and rest, sitting by a quiet/nice site to admire the scenery.. whereas apple is my total opposite.. he doesnt like long journeys, crowded places, goin out late at nite, and prefers to stay at hm and rest.. to put it in a bad way, "i had been accomodating myself to suit his lifestyle.." and for the tings tat i had done, "i dun hv to do for him, instead he should be doin them.." or "both of us should be contributing equal efforts to the r'ship.." and "is he takin advantage of me bcuz i loved him too much tat i wun leave him..?" "dun be too gullible, naive, silly, foolish to continue to do such tings for him, as it will hurt me more wen he dun do enough back for me.."

hmm.. long before i got together with apple, i knew wat are the tings/lifestyle tat i would be facing.. it was kind of a difficult decision at one pt of time, bcuz i had been askin myself, will i be able to accept it? even so, can i bear with it for long-term..? all the tings tat i had wanted to accomplish with my loved one would probably not fulfilled at all.. i could hv done those tings alone or with friends, but the significance would definitely be different.. am i willing to do so..? my family feared that i would be cheated as i hv zero (minimal) experience in this aspects.. my friends scared i would be hurt again.. frankly speaking, i oso scared i would be hurt again.. esp wen i started to realise that both of them shared similarities in some aspects..

but i need to make a decision to step in or out, so as not sink myself too deep or waste our time.. though i encounter many self-questioning over the past 1+ year , i am stil glad to say tat i took a right move.. lookin apart from his lifestyle and minor personality clashes, he was the guy tat i knew i need to have.. someone who loves his family, empathetic, and with a kind heart.. and he had been with me most of the time wen i needed him most..

back to the lifestyle part.. tings wasnt so smooth-sailing for me, bcuz i need to adapt to some tings tat i used to dislike and nv thought i would face.. in the initial stage, everything is stil fresh, so stil can accept them, but as time goes by.. abit hard to continue.. i am started to get abit sick to hang ard in the west.. or spending time at his hse.. and i started to develop doubts in my decision, whether can i continue like tat? or is he reli the guy tat i wan to spend my remaining years with? and it can get scary, cuz all the negative tings jus popped out from nowhere.. in addition, comments from ppl ard started comin in, and i did waver abit over my decision.. esp the part where they always like to ask, "where am i in his heart?", "what has he done specially for me?" and so on.. wen i told them the list of tings he had done, i kena arrowed more cuz all those tings were either those wat he should have done (nth special at all) or i had requested from him.. the requested ones reli got my frens who are in r'ships hot and utterly disappointed in me.. haha.. and their advice would be, love urself more or talk to him abt this and see whether would he do anything to it, if not letting go might be a better option..

when tings like this happens, this is where i would try to tink of our happier times, the reasons i fell for him and so on.. and when all these tings doesnt help, i would call him to hear his voice.. his voice always gave me a form of assurance of my decision.. but i din tell him the full story of wat i hear, cuz i dun wan to hurt his feelings.. i jus hate to hurt someone's feelings; i rather absorb wat i can absorb and digest them away.. i confessed tat sometimes wat i said doesnt mean wat i am tinkin.. bcuz at the end of the day, i am stil a gal..... *din wan to elaborate more..

recently, i have been more open in sharin my thoughts with apple, and be it positive or negative, i jus let him noe.. actually, tellin him those tings doesnt mean i wan him to do something, cuz i nv like ppl to do tings for the sake of doin tings.. if no action taken, i wun get offended, but if something is done, i would take it as a bonus.. to me, all those tings tat other ppl doin are "wants", it is not a necessity but good to have.. instead i would like to focus more on my needs.. one ting for sure, i need apple to be my side, other tings are secondary or bonus..

in all my life, i had been puttin other ppl's feelin as my main concerns, and mayb like wat mr bear said, i am not loving myself at all and neglectin my desires and real needs.. but love is selfless... u lose some in order to gain some.. for me, i knew he had been a "plain jane" all along, but i oso knew i dun wan my r'ship to be always so plain everytime (simple and plain are different), cuz lost time is never recoverable.. thus i will need to tink of ways to create beautiful memories.. wenever i see him happy with my little gifts, it makes me happy too.. at least i noe my efforts doesnt gone to drain entirely.. the small little disappointment would be probably be he likes to keep tings and cant bear to use them, so i started not giving him tings to use, jus for seeing.. by now, u may be wondering, so where is his efforts in this r'ship..? i wun list them out cuz i noe i sure kena suan again.. but one of the efforts would definitely be the time he spent with me.. every sec with him is very precious, esp wen we dun get to meet everyday.. but i am stil contented with such arrangment, at least for the time being as the future lies an unknown..

sidetrack abit.. apple once asked me why i liked him so much..? at first, i oso duno the answer, and thought probably bcuz he is always there for me and so on.. then one day, while daydreamin again, i found the answer.. i liked him so much bcuz i realised he is always holdin my hands wherever we are.. cant reli explain wat's so great abt holdin hands, but it gave me a sense of security and i felt i was safe.. and mayb bcuz of his blockhead-ness.. i could see tat though he dun express himself well, it doesnt mean he dun care.. he jus duno how to express it la.. haha.. sometimes wen i heard him sayin tat "i am a lousy bf", it does hurts me a little to hear tat.. ya, he may not be like the other bfs out there, but i had never thought he is lousy, he jus too used to his own ways of doin tings and he dun like change..

there is no doubt tat there are better apples out there, but i hv a strong feeling tat i wun be happier without my 'woody' apple..

*i tink most of u would be shakin ur head and say, "haiz, hopeless case.. i washed my hands off u.. u like to do wat is ur biz.. as long as u r happy can liao.." haha.. see, i can agar predict the response.. i'm not blind, i am jus using my way to love someone.. 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有.. and i still 拥有-ing..

Feb 13, 2009 - "black friday"

This year vday falls on a saturday, which means friday is on the 13th, which commonly referred as "black friday"..

On this friday, I attended a company dinner of apple at fullerton hotel.. This is not the first time I went to a place related to fullerton with apple.. The first time was back in almost 3.5 yrs ago, wen I was being "invited" to drink red wine with him and his fren at ONE fullerton, but this time is special.. bcuz it is a dream that I had always wanted to fulfill..

As a fantasy-filled gal, I had always yearned to come to that area with my loved one, for a romantic walk, tat would be a great thing.. And I had my wish fulfilled.. After being with apple for years, I agar agar noe wat his likings are, and I usually wun try my luck in askin for tings tat have a low possibility of happening.. apple have a short memory, so he might agreed to my requests wen i asked him, but after tat he might forget liao, and i dun like to remind him on those request, but on the other hand, I knew I was disappointed.. so as time goes by, I try not to raise any requests to avoid disappointments, and it reduces expectations too.. (except for reli special ones)

Frankly speaking, there are soooo many tings tat I wished I could have, but I cant be selfish and greedy, and made him to do wat i wished for the sake of doin.. yes, it would have made me happy, but at the same time, i will feel bad bcuz the real meaning of doing it is not there.. sometimes things have to be done voluntarily, and not by frequent requests.. And especially, I have a "feel bad" heart, i wil feel bad at the slightest ting tat I felt had direct/indirect affect the ppl ard me, and wil try to make up for them..

Back to the topic, fullerton/boat quay/clarke quay is one of the areas tt i thought "how nice/great it would be" if i could come here and have a stroll with my loved one.. After dinner, we had a short stroll along the river and came to another "romantic" place but was kinda disappointed.. the clarke quay tat i saw last time was so romantic, but now it was too crowded to be considered romantic.. but at least the walk was a fulfilling one.. *slip it in one of the slots of precious memories*

Actually wanted to slowly walk home from there, but apple was dead tired, it's beta to get going early.. i managed to pass my small token - cornflakes cookies to him.. it was a total crash course and sudden decision to do the cookies as time is not on my side.. i had told him tat i wun be givin him anythin, but i stil feel tat sth has to be given and with a gd meaning.. i had no time to shop for meaningful gift, and i dun wan to spend alot of $$ cuz i had been tellin him to have cheap dates - save the money to clear our future debts.. it's the thought and significance tat counts.. even the simplest cookie doesnt prove to be easy, my hands were slightly steamed by the heating process..

While chasin for the bus, apple accidentally bumped onto a metal bar, and i could see tat it hurts.. a short journey on the bus let me see alot of tings.. his tired look, painful reaction, the lines on his face and the white hairs on his head.. duno whether is it bcuz of the red wine or the effects of being in love, it jus made me felt bad to see these.. must always keep him in happy mode, so tat he wun tink so much and age faster.. hehe..

ok.. here comes the end of the day.. it's at my lift lobby and the time to part again (i have always hated this), and i tink it's time to tell him a "shy" secret.. hmm.... normally we wil bade goodbye with a kiss, but it's always a short one.. and though it is a short one, my heart will always beat very fast and have tat kind of "electrocuted" feeling which i wished the kiss could be longer abit more.. but i dare not say, cuz i'm quite reserved in this aspect to talk abt such tings.. so i managed plucked up my courage and told him this secret.. and i got another of my wish fulfilled - i had a gd and nice experience.. hehe.. felt so contented and wonderful.. great memories for this yr vday though it's a real simple one..

*afternote: i hv the tendency to dream of apple, and i had another long and continuous dream abt us again.. hmm.. tink i had reli sunk too deep inside of apple..