doubts and accepting

hmm.. wanted to write this some time ago, but jus too lazy to do it until an online chat with mr bear today.. my r'ship with apple had always been a "controversial" topic.. haha..

mr bear is definitely not the first one who commented on my r'ship, and he is like someone else, who doesnt seemed to be able to accept my way of doin tings in my r'ship.. i have been too accepting over some tings.. and tings tat i am doin now are supposedly to be done by a guy..

to cut tings short.. i dun deny that i do hv my desires and "cravings" for the tings tat most couples are doing.. and sometimes till the extent of envying them.. i could only say, this is the decision tat i had chosen and i wun regret it..

i had mentioned earlier in one of my blogs that fantasy and reality seldom coincide, and if i were to base my fantasy to look for a bf, me and apple will definitely not come to this stage today.. i belonged to those active type - who enjoys sitting on long bus journeys and explore fresh areas, dun like to stay at hm and rest, sitting by a quiet/nice site to admire the scenery.. whereas apple is my total opposite.. he doesnt like long journeys, crowded places, goin out late at nite, and prefers to stay at hm and rest.. to put it in a bad way, "i had been accomodating myself to suit his lifestyle.." and for the tings tat i had done, "i dun hv to do for him, instead he should be doin them.." or "both of us should be contributing equal efforts to the r'ship.." and "is he takin advantage of me bcuz i loved him too much tat i wun leave him..?" "dun be too gullible, naive, silly, foolish to continue to do such tings for him, as it will hurt me more wen he dun do enough back for me.."

hmm.. long before i got together with apple, i knew wat are the tings/lifestyle tat i would be facing.. it was kind of a difficult decision at one pt of time, bcuz i had been askin myself, will i be able to accept it? even so, can i bear with it for long-term..? all the tings tat i had wanted to accomplish with my loved one would probably not fulfilled at all.. i could hv done those tings alone or with friends, but the significance would definitely be different.. am i willing to do so..? my family feared that i would be cheated as i hv zero (minimal) experience in this aspects.. my friends scared i would be hurt again.. frankly speaking, i oso scared i would be hurt again.. esp wen i started to realise that both of them shared similarities in some aspects..

but i need to make a decision to step in or out, so as not sink myself too deep or waste our time.. though i encounter many self-questioning over the past 1+ year , i am stil glad to say tat i took a right move.. lookin apart from his lifestyle and minor personality clashes, he was the guy tat i knew i need to have.. someone who loves his family, empathetic, and with a kind heart.. and he had been with me most of the time wen i needed him most..

back to the lifestyle part.. tings wasnt so smooth-sailing for me, bcuz i need to adapt to some tings tat i used to dislike and nv thought i would face.. in the initial stage, everything is stil fresh, so stil can accept them, but as time goes by.. abit hard to continue.. i am started to get abit sick to hang ard in the west.. or spending time at his hse.. and i started to develop doubts in my decision, whether can i continue like tat? or is he reli the guy tat i wan to spend my remaining years with? and it can get scary, cuz all the negative tings jus popped out from nowhere.. in addition, comments from ppl ard started comin in, and i did waver abit over my decision.. esp the part where they always like to ask, "where am i in his heart?", "what has he done specially for me?" and so on.. wen i told them the list of tings he had done, i kena arrowed more cuz all those tings were either those wat he should have done (nth special at all) or i had requested from him.. the requested ones reli got my frens who are in r'ships hot and utterly disappointed in me.. haha.. and their advice would be, love urself more or talk to him abt this and see whether would he do anything to it, if not letting go might be a better option..

when tings like this happens, this is where i would try to tink of our happier times, the reasons i fell for him and so on.. and when all these tings doesnt help, i would call him to hear his voice.. his voice always gave me a form of assurance of my decision.. but i din tell him the full story of wat i hear, cuz i dun wan to hurt his feelings.. i jus hate to hurt someone's feelings; i rather absorb wat i can absorb and digest them away.. i confessed tat sometimes wat i said doesnt mean wat i am tinkin.. bcuz at the end of the day, i am stil a gal..... *din wan to elaborate more..

recently, i have been more open in sharin my thoughts with apple, and be it positive or negative, i jus let him noe.. actually, tellin him those tings doesnt mean i wan him to do something, cuz i nv like ppl to do tings for the sake of doin tings.. if no action taken, i wun get offended, but if something is done, i would take it as a bonus.. to me, all those tings tat other ppl doin are "wants", it is not a necessity but good to have.. instead i would like to focus more on my needs.. one ting for sure, i need apple to be my side, other tings are secondary or bonus..

in all my life, i had been puttin other ppl's feelin as my main concerns, and mayb like wat mr bear said, i am not loving myself at all and neglectin my desires and real needs.. but love is selfless... u lose some in order to gain some.. for me, i knew he had been a "plain jane" all along, but i oso knew i dun wan my r'ship to be always so plain everytime (simple and plain are different), cuz lost time is never recoverable.. thus i will need to tink of ways to create beautiful memories.. wenever i see him happy with my little gifts, it makes me happy too.. at least i noe my efforts doesnt gone to drain entirely.. the small little disappointment would be probably be he likes to keep tings and cant bear to use them, so i started not giving him tings to use, jus for seeing.. by now, u may be wondering, so where is his efforts in this r'ship..? i wun list them out cuz i noe i sure kena suan again.. but one of the efforts would definitely be the time he spent with me.. every sec with him is very precious, esp wen we dun get to meet everyday.. but i am stil contented with such arrangment, at least for the time being as the future lies an unknown..

sidetrack abit.. apple once asked me why i liked him so much..? at first, i oso duno the answer, and thought probably bcuz he is always there for me and so on.. then one day, while daydreamin again, i found the answer.. i liked him so much bcuz i realised he is always holdin my hands wherever we are.. cant reli explain wat's so great abt holdin hands, but it gave me a sense of security and i felt i was safe.. and mayb bcuz of his blockhead-ness.. i could see tat though he dun express himself well, it doesnt mean he dun care.. he jus duno how to express it la.. haha.. sometimes wen i heard him sayin tat "i am a lousy bf", it does hurts me a little to hear tat.. ya, he may not be like the other bfs out there, but i had never thought he is lousy, he jus too used to his own ways of doin tings and he dun like change..

there is no doubt tat there are better apples out there, but i hv a strong feeling tat i wun be happier without my 'woody' apple..

*i tink most of u would be shakin ur head and say, "haiz, hopeless case.. i washed my hands off u.. u like to do wat is ur biz.. as long as u r happy can liao.." haha.. see, i can agar predict the response.. i'm not blind, i am jus using my way to love someone.. 不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有.. and i still 拥有-ing..